I should have started earlier, so many…I do so many silly things. Should pray more and call my mother more. How will I find a paying internship next semester, or is it better to… I wish. oh. I would be happier if. If I thought less. I can’t make it stop. Prayed more? Our father which art in heaven. His hallowed name. Hallowed, crown bearing. Lofty white heaven above everything. New York. So bright at night, wanting to be out. should be out. I’m so old now, my God my little sister is a teenager, and the old cat is dead, and there is a new kitten in its place, and I’m..I’m so young, though. God, where is he? Is there a he? I don’t know anymore. Watches the silver hand of clock tip itself down and around the circle of time and sees himself then falling forward into 2014 (20-fucking14!) and feels an ulcer yawning somewhere in the stomach like the mouth of fear on the body of an anxious omen threatening the walls of his heart. In the heart? What is the heart without the mind. Why don’t we stop all of this? I have to be up so early tomorrow…I must do better…I have to do better sleep better eat better be better. Sociable and nice and neat with all the ends tucked lovely in and all the loose ends cut clean and accounted for. I have to have a better day tomorrow. Yes, just think; you’re gonna make it, kid. I’m gonna make it, kid. What is it then, that the mothers say to the children that are scared for the first time, really?